Feelings of Inadequacy

This year I have four kids in school and only one at home. In the past when I have only had one at home, I have always been pregnant with another one. I spent my time focusing on the one at home and trying to prepare the baby to no longer be the baby.

This time, the baby wants little to do with me, unless she needs something. There are days we walk in the house after we put the last child on the bus and she comes in and says "I am going to play by MYSELF!" And, that is what she wants to do.

Don't get me wrong. We spend time together. We play games, read, play the computer, run errands, etc., together, but she is not 100% dependent on me. And, there is not another one on the way that will be 100% dependent on me.

I have spent the last year, but REALLY over the summer, trying to decide what I was going to do when Mady went to school either next year or the year after (Kindergarten). Do I go back and finish my teaching degree, even though I know that is not what I want to do? What other degree would I be interested in?

My big dilemma....I don't feel like my job here is done. I still want (and need) to be here when my kids are (breaks, summer, when they are sick, bad weather, etc). I want to be home when they walk in the door excited or upset after school. I want to be able to go on the field trips, be at the awards ceremonies, band concerts, class parties, etc. I don't want anything of that to change for the kids.

On the other hand, for 11 years we have been a single-income household. It would be nice to have some extra income.

After months and months of back and forth, I keep coming back to me needing to work from home. I can be available to my children, I would not need to worry about having to call in every time a child is sick or school closes unexpectedly.

Here are where the feelings of inadequacy come in. After doing some research I found some companies that offer positions working from home (that are NOT scams from the research I did). There are not many out there! I sat down Monday evening to work on some applications and quickly starting feeling inadequate. I have not worked outside the house in ELEVEN years, why would anyone want to hire me, ESPECIALLY to work from home?

At home with my kids I don't have an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. I definitely have moments of it. There are situations that come up that I really have to pray and ask if I am cut out for this job. I know I make mistakes - plenty of them! But, I feel like I am where I am supposed to be and doing the best I can.

I am going to fill out applications and send them in and just continue to pray. Pray that if this is what I am supposed to be doing He will guide me to the right thing for me and my family.

This is just another new chapter in this book of my life.