I have had this post swirling in my head for a long time, but have not had the courage to actually type it. This topic is one of those sticky ones and usually people seem to have strong feelings one way or another about it, usually depending on if they live with it or not. I am not putting this out there to pursuade people to feel one way or the other on the topic or change anyones mind. I am strictly putting my experience and struggle out there.
I am talking about Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I have two children that have been diagnosed with some form of ADHD, and the road to get to where we are has not been easy on any of us (and still isn't).
To medicate or not to medicate is a question that gets lots of controversy. Honestly, a couple of years ago, I was more on the don't medicate side of the fence. I was also very uneducated on the topic! Many people, and I was one of them, thought that as a parent if you "medicate" your child for ADHD you are essentially trying to change who your child is.
I could not have been more wrong.
When the first child was diagnosed, it was after months of trying to figure out why he was struggling so bad in school. He was never in trouble. In fact, his was so hard to figure out because he was so quiet and calm that he blended in to the class. He never raised his hand in class. He went from making good grades one year to big time failing the next year. It took us half of the school year, many conferences with teachers, interventionist, school counselors, principals, not to mention drs, to figure out that he was, in fact struggling with ADD. Even after the diagnoses, I was still on the fence about meds. He had symptoms like disorganization, procrastination, forgetfulness, easily distracted, etc. The class would move from English to Math and he would still be asking questions about English. He just could not focus.
After talking to his dr at length about what was going on, and how we felt about medicine, etc. the dr told us about a medicine that only last 6-8 hours a day and when it was out of his system, it was out. The side effects were minimal, if any and there was no concern of dependency. We could give him the medicine only when he needed it (when he was going to school or doing something that he really needed to concentrate on). The dr started him on the lowest possible doseage.
We stayed in constant contact with his teachers for updates. Since he was only taking the medicine at school and it was out of his system by the time we got home, we had no choice but to trust his teachers to pay close attention to him. Thank God, we were blessed with a couple of teachers that were more than willing to help us out. They truly had his best interest at heart.
That was a brutal year. He struggled SO much and worked SO hard to get his grades back up so he did not get held back. He would come home from school and do homework until bedtime, with no complaining. He volunteered to go to summer school that summer so he could continue to work to get caught up. The next year he went in to a transitional class, meaning small class size (16 kids as opposed to the normal 25ish), that had interventionist come in regularly and work with the kids on their problem areas. He went from failing one year, to getting his grades up to C's sprinkled with an occasional A and B, to last year A's and B's sprinkled with an occasional C. He made A/B honor roll several times last year. It still has not been easy, and he still spends a LOT of time on homework (which is hard because his other two brothers are sponges who don't study and still make A's). But, he doesn't complain. He makes the best of his situation. He knows what he has to do and he wants the grades so he is willing to do it.
He is one dose up from the lowest possible dose of his medicine. We did have to adjust it when we realized he was doing well in his morning classes and not as well in his afternoon classes.
The other child that we are dealing with this with is the opposite. He DOES have the hyperactivity portion of it. But, when many people think of a child with ADHD, they think of the child that is always bouncing around, fidgeting, loud, can't sit still, etc. Those are all symptoms that we deal with. Unfortunately, they are not the biggest or worst symptoms. Those are the "easier" issues to deal with. There are so many other issues that you don't hear about as much. There are impulse control issues like impatience, difficulty delaying responses (which can lead to stealing, hiding things, deceitful type behavior), lying, interrupting continuously, etc. He does not always have the ability to think of the consequence for a behavior he chooses "in the moment". He also has anxiety issues, he is just naturally a worrier.
I don't know why these struggles are less talked about, but I know for me there are many reasons I tend not to discuss it. For one, I do not want my child labeled by anyone. Yes, he has struggles but they do not and should not define who he is as a person. As a parent you never want your child to be "that" child, whatever that means. I don't want his peers to know what he goes through because these are his peers for life. I don't want other adults judging him or jumping to conclussions about him or assuming if something is missing he took it, either. People have ways of remembering things, especially negative things about others. I don't want choices he makes at such a young age to follow him around for life.
There is also a very selfish reason for me not discussing the less obvious struggles. I don't want it to reflect on the kind of parents we are. I know that is a horrible attitude. These are not things we have "taught" our child are permissable. They are not things that we let him get away with, although punishing a child that would seemingly rather suffer the consequence of his choices than to make a better choice is very difficult.
I can see why so many parents struggle with their kids. Society judges so quickly and easily and points fingers, even without having ANY of the facts of the situation a parent is in. I can see where parents would not want to reach out for help if it would put a target on their back for their parenting skills. Things can snowball out of control so easily and I can see where parents can lose their children because they do not know how to handle them. As much as I do to try and help, there are still times I feel helpless and worry about his future.
One of the things that get overlooked about this diagnosis is the self-esteem of the child. When you struggle with everything you do and you always feel like you have the wrong answer, why would you want to raise your hand in class? When you KNOW you make poor choices, but don't feel like you can control those choices, it is easy to feel like a failure and not good enough to be around others. Then you start making up lies to make yourself look and feel better or get the attention you crave but can never get enough of, no matter how much you get. It is a whirlwind and it is heartbreaking to watch in both situations.
With the second child's diagnosis, it has been almost a year. I am not convinced we are at his dose yet. He is still on a very low dose, but I am not sure we are there. He makes great grades, even though we struggle getting him to do his homework. He will hide his homework worksheets, throw them away, tear them up, and tell us he has no homework. Since he is very unorganized we have to pull EVERYTHING out of his backpack every evening and go through papers one by one (he does not use his folders). If it is blank, he has to do it, whether he says it is homework or not.
I still do not want my children on medicine for ever. The child that has the inattentivness we have found that he loves golf. We have also found that golf is great therapy for him. He is in First Tee, which teaches life skills through the game of golf. He learns how to interact with others, look them in their eyes, good strong handshakes, respect, etc. It is also a game where you take your time and are not rushed. He has to pay attention to what he is doing though. I do not give him his medicine before he plays. I want him to learn that he can do things without depending on his meds. I want him to learn that he can learn to focus and pay attention to what he needs to without meds. But, I do NOT want his grades and learning to suffer while trying to teach these lessons. Most importantly, he LOVES the game and his self-esteem in the last year he has played has sky-rocketed. He is the only one of the kids that plays, and we plan on keeping it that way. He has something that he is good at, and none of his siblings can outdo him at. He likes to show his siblings how to play. Eventually, we might let the others learn, but not yet.
With the second child's diagnosis, his is a little more serious in nature as far as long term effects. I worry about him because there is so much substance abuse in our families and I know the addictive nature is in his blood. I don't ever want him to feel like he needs to turn to something else. He is in counseling. I am trying to give him every oppurtunity to succeed at life and not let him let this define who he is. He is learning coping techniques for when he feels impulses to do or take things he should not. He is learning to think of the end result of his choices and how THAT will effect him. He is learning to help himself. His counselor feels like he is making good progress, but it will be a work in progress for some time.
I feel like we spend a lot of time in power struggles with each other, so the counseling, although the counselor and I only spend a few minutes each session talking about what has been going on since last time we were there, helps me as well. She is able to get things out of him and feelings out of him that we are not.
As any mother, I always want what is best for my children. I will move Heaven and Earth to give them what I can and offer them any help I can. We cannot do this on our own. We have been blessed with a great support system with the drs and counselor and golf staff. When it comes down to it, I cannot make their choices in life for them. I can only give them the best foundation I can and hope they get the most out of it for life.
Meanwhile, I continue to pray for them and for their lives (of ALL of my children). And, I continue to pray for lots of patience and understanding and forgiveness. After all, isn't that what I have to ask that God has for me?
